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Weapons of Mass Cubicle Destruction

Who among us has not wanted to throw things at our neighbor in the next office cubicle? Fortunately, the days of having to make your own paper airplanes are over. These creative office weapons make it easy to guard the burlap borders of your workspace.

1. iLaunch Thunder
Proof positive that there is absolutely nothing the iPhone can’t do, iLaunch Thunder uses Bluetooth to launch your own private arsenal of foam darts. Yes, you heard that right: This cubicle weapon turns your iOS device into a keypad for a missile launch. The downside is that this is a $100 toy. On the other hand, once you install this in your cube, we can pretty much guarantee that no one will ever ask you to buy Girl Scout cookies or wrapping paper ever again, so eventually, it’ll pay for itself.

If you have a spoon, some popsicle sticks, a few rubberbands, and a lot of free time, you can make your own catapult for free. The great thing about this weapon of mass distraction is that it doesn’t cost anything — provided, of course, that you eat popsicles. The bad thing is that it appears to require a saw and a glue gun. We don’t know about you, but if a project requires a plug and meltable glue, we’d just as soon lob things over the cubicle wall by hand.

3. Nerf N-Strike Stampede ECS
Call us old-fashioned, but when it comes to office warfare, we really feel that nothing beats the classic Nerf gun. Unless it’s this super-duper Nerf gun, which comes with 60 foam darts and a 18-dart extended clip. It’s $49.99, but we’d pay more than 50 bucks to see the look on our coworkers’ faces when they see us coming into the morning meeting with the mother of all dart guns.

4. Bow Shotz Air Powered Crossbow
At $5.95, this is one of the cheapest cubicle weapons on our list, and also one of the scariest looking. If you stalk the lunchroom with these, people will either call security or give you a promotion.

5. Dark Moon Blaster
Reviewers on Amazon want you to know that this does not, in fact, shoot actual ping pong balls. However, as one member says, “OK, so it doesn’t shoot actual ping pong balls. Yet it’s durable enough to have survived 3 months after Christmas and thousands of fired glowing green balls. Definitely worth the investment.” Glowing green balls, people! This is obviously the perfect ping pong gun for offices with dim lighting. You can tell HR that you were trying to cure your coworkers’ Seasonal Affective Disorder. $13.47 or less.

6. Light-Up Laser Lightsaber
Work got you down? Just remind yourself that no matter how tough things get, you still live in a world where you can purchase a 3-pack of lightsabers for $17.99. Really, how bad could things possible be?

7. Annoy-a-tron
Of course, if you really have a problem with that one guy in Accounts Payable, you might need more serious weaponry than foam darts and light-up swords. In that case, may we recommend the awesomely-named Annoy-a-tron? True to its name, the Annoy-a-tron plays a variety of beeps and bloops at decibels up to 12kHz. Comes with a magnet and the best instructions ever: “1) Turn on. 2) Hide it. 3) Muahahaha…” A bargain at $10.99.

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